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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459134">way too much whiskey in my blood</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingcalm/pseuds/ragingcalm'>ragingcalm</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drinking, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:27:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,331</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingcalm/pseuds/ragingcalm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me,” Matthew muttered. “Why do I need other people to be happy? It would be so much easier if I could just be alone.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Matthew is out drinking and making bad decisions when Magnus Bane finds him and takes him to his apartment. Matthew opens up a bit, and Magnus tries to comfort him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matthew Fairchild &amp; Magnus Bane, Matthew Fairchild/James Herondale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>way too much whiskey in my blood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from Malibu Nights by LANY--I feel like this song really suits Matthew</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Matthew’s head was pounding. The lights were too bright in here, the music too loud. There were too many bodies pressed up against him; he felt like he was going to suffocate. He couldn’t recall exactly how he’d gotten here. He couldn’t recall exactly where here was. All the underground downworlder clubs blurred together. But, hey, they all succeeded in getting him drunk and distracted. </p><p>“Hey, angel spawn,” a smooth voice purred. “What are you doing here? I thought you Nephilim were too stuck-up to enjoy having some real fun.”</p><p>Matthew turned around to see a tall, slender boy with pale skin and chestnut hair giving him a once-over. As he brought his gaze back up to Matthew’s, he smirked, a dark glint in his eyes. </p><p>“Not all of us.” Matthew tilted his head, matching the boy’s honeyed tone. “I rather prefer the company of Downworlders. I find them more… stimulating”</p><p>The boy chuckled at that, revealing a mouth of sparkling white fangs. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before, Nephilim. I’m sure I would have remembered a face as pretty as yours.”</p><p>“What a clever pick-up line,” Matthew responded. “But I’m not particularly in the mood for chit-chat.” He put his hands on the vampire’s shoulders and pulled his face down to his own. Their mouths connected harshly, and Matthew deepened the kiss quickly. The other tasted of iron and strawberries. An interesting combination. Matthew wanted more. He slid his hands up to the nape of the vampire’s neck, trying to pull him even closer. Matthew’s mind went fuzzy, and all he could think of was the boy’s mouth on his. It was perfect. </p><p>The boy pulled back from the kiss, his lips red and his eyes dark. “What do you say we take it back to my place?” he whispered. </p><p>“I’d say that sounds like a reckless, stupid idea. But, hey, that’s what I’m here for,” Matthew said breathlessly. “Let’s get out of here.”</p><p>With a grin, the vampire grabbed his hand and started leading him towards the door. He didn’t get very far before he was stopped by a man wearing a very nice waistcoat. “Not so fast,” Magnus Bane crossed his arms and stared down the vampire. “I’m afraid Matthew won’t be going home with you tonight.”</p><p>“What are you going to do about it?” the vampire asked lazily.</p><p>“Hmm,” Magnus mused. “Have the people in London really forgotten me so quickly? Maybe you need a little demonstration.” With a snap of his fingers, the vampire’s hair was engulfed with blue flames. He let out an undignified scream and ran towards the bar, stealing some girl’s drink and dumping it on his head.</p><p>“What did you do that for?” Matthew asked crossly. “I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“Sure you can,” Magnus rolled his eyes. “Do you even know who that guy was? Damian McLean hates Shadowhunters, Matthew. He would have murdered you in your sleep.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Matthew muttered, looking away. “I wouldn’t care very much if he did.”</p><p>“You should.” Magnus glared at him and grabbed his wrist. “I’m taking you back to the Institute.”</p><p>“No!” Matthew burst out. “I can’t go back there right now,” he said in a quieter voice. He had drunk too much to pretend he was sober, especially with a warlock chaperoning him home. He couldn’t bear going back and seeing everyone’s disappointment in him again. Nobody would understand. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone he knew right now. </p><p>“Alright.” Magnus’s eyes softened the slightest bit. “You can spend the night at my place. But tomorrow morning, I’m taking you home.”</p><p>Matthew nodded, knowing he wouldn’t get a better deal than this. “Thank you, Magnus.”</p><p>They took a carriage to Magnus’s flat. During the ride, Matthew pointedly stared out the window (or basically anywhere that wasn’t Magnus’s face). He successfully avoided conversation until they got there. </p><p>Magnus’s apartment was pretty nice. It was extravagantly decorated, and Matthew was sure he would be in total awe if he was sober. At the moment, however, Matthew was ready to pass out on any available surface. Seeming to sense his exhaustion, Magnus quickly pointed him to a guest room and said good night. He thanked Magnus and promptly collapsed on the bed without taking his clothes off. </p><p>Matthew lay in bed and tried to fall asleep. He really did. He was so tired, and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep. Yet now that he was actually in bed and able to sleep, it evaded him. Whenever he closed his eyes, he would see them. James and Cordelia kissing in the Whispering Room, James and Cordelia falling out of Belial’s world together. James and Cordelia dancing together at their engagement party, looking so stupidly happy and in love with each other. Why couldn’t he get them out of his head?</p><p>He tried to fall asleep for a few more minutes. He tried counting sheep; he tried emptying his mind of any thoughts. Matthew gave up fairly soon, however. He sighed in frustration and pushed off the covers before getting to his feet. He felt so sluggish and tired, but he might as well do something if he couldn’t sleep. Maybe if he drank more, he could knock himself out. He reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out his flask. Damn. It was empty already. Maybe Magnus had some alcohol he could steal? He didn’t want to do it, but he was desperate for some peace of mind. </p><p>The door opened noiselessly, and Matthew slipped out into the hallway. If he were Magnus Bane, he wondered, where would he keep his alcohol? Then he remembered that he didn’t know the layout of Magnus’s apartment anyway, so it was no use. He supposed he would have to just wander around and hope that he found the alcohol and didn’t bother Magnus. </p><p>Matthew took a right and found himself in the living room. He continued through to the kitchen, but there was somebody already sitting at the island. Magnus Bane flipped through a book by the dim light of a lantern, a steaming cup of tea at his side. </p><p>In that moment, Magnus reminded him so much of his parabatai that it made Matthew’s heart hurt. Thoughts of alcohol forgotten, he rapped lightly on the doorframe. </p><p>“Hey, Magnus,” he said quietly. “Mind if I join you?”</p><p>Magnus Bane looked up from his book, his green-gold cat eyes glittering curiously. He patted the seat next to him in an unspoken invitation. Matthew took it and laid his head on the counter, letting out a soft sigh. </p><p>Magnus gave him a little smile. “Can’t sleep, Matthew?”</p><p>Matthew drew himself upright again and shook his head. “I wish,” he said bitterly. “What are you reading?” He gestured to the book in Magnus’s hand. </p><p>“It’s a collection of poetry by this new mundane author. I quite enjoy it, actually.”</p><p>“What’s it about?”</p><p>“The different stages of love,” Magnus answered, a strange look in his eyes. Was it sadness, perhaps, or longing? Maybe it was both. “The sparks when you first meet each other. The excitement of learning about your partner. The passion and the adventure as you begin your lives together. Then settling down and becoming content and secure with your love.”</p><p>“Why does everything have to be about love?” Matthew’s voice was empty. </p><p>“Love is what gives life meaning, my dear Matthew. I would know, I’ve been around for hundreds of years. When we’re alone, we feel terribly sad, and we care about nothing.” He paused to give Matthew a pointed look. “Yet when we forge meaningful relationships and spend time with our loved ones, we feel warm and satisfied. Sometimes even on top of the world.”</p><p>“Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me,” Matthew muttered. “Why do I need other people to be happy? It would be so much easier if I could just be alone.” And it really would be, the more Matthew thought about it. No more hiding his feelings from James and Cordelia. No more plastering on a fake smile and cracking jokes that weren’t even that funny. No more pretending everything was alright. If Matthew was alone, there would be no expectations on him. He could do whatever he wanted to do, and he wouldn’t have to worry about hurting anyone. He wished so badly that his life could be like that. </p><p>“You can’t spend too much time wishing for the impossible,” Magnus commented. “I’ve lived that life, and, trust me, it’s not very fun.” Then a warm hand was on his shoulder, and Magnus spoke in a soothing voice. “It’s alright to feel this way sometimes, Matthew. I get it. How about you just go ahead and let it all out?”</p><p>“I just… it’s so <i>hard</i> watching James and Cordelia together.” Matthew shook his head. “I know the marriage is fake, but I know Cordelia loves him, and I think James is starting to fall for her too. Whenever I look at them, it feels like my heart is being crushed.” He laughed wrly. “That sounds so stupid and cliche, doesn’t it? But that’s what it’s like. And I know I should be happy for them. James is my parabatai. His happiness should be mine. When he was with Grace, it was easier because I didn’t know her or trust her. James and Cordelia… they’re good for each other. I like Cordelia. But I can’t just turn off my own feelings. I’m so jealous, and I hate myself for it.”</p><p>“Matthew.” Magnus was looking at him peculiarly. “Who exactly are you in love with?”</p><p>“Cordelia,” Matthew said, but he raised his voice at the end so it sounded more like a question than an answer. </p><p>“Are you sure about that?”</p><p>Matthew’s face crumpled. “I’m in love with Jamie,” he admitted, and just the use of the nickname was enough for tears to start spilling out of his eyes. He had never said it out loud before. He’d tried so hard to push his feelings down and pretend they didn’t exist, but Magnus saw right through him. Matthew felt panic start building in his chest, and his tears started flowing faster. He couldn’t breathe. He had to get out of here. He had to escape. </p><p>Matthew stood up shakily, but he could hardly take a step without the world slipping out from under him. Magnus steadied him then led Matthew towards the couch. He conjured up a pile of handkerchiefs and patted Matthew’s back reassuringly. “Just breathe, okay, Matthew? Follow me.” He inhaled deeply then exhaled slowly. As panicked as he was, Matthew tried to copy him. </p><p>Several minutes later, his tears had slowed, and he could breathe again. All that was left was embarrassment. Why had he broken down like that? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. And why did Magnus Bane, one of his idols, have to be there to see it? So much for Magnus thinking he was cool. Matthew was pathetic.</p><p>“Well,” Magnus said brightly. “At least this isn’t an exact repeat of history. We are certainly spicing things up here.”</p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p>“Oh, all the drama between your parabatai’s parents and Jem Carstairs. It was so messy, and I could hardly keep up with it, but at least they had a happy ending.” Magnus looked at Matthew appraisingly. “You know, I think you remind me of Will Herondale more than James does. You’ve got that same stupid sense of humor hiding a bunch of angst and pain underneath. And you’re both especially self-sacrificing--did you know that Will also stood back and buried his feelings so that his parabatai would be happy? Now I’m just wondering what kind of dark secrets <i>you</i> have.” </p><p>Matthew looked away from Magnus, thoroughly unnerved. Was he really that easy to read? Magnus seemed to see right through him. But, Matthew thought, his secret was probably a whole lot worse than Will Herondale’s. He couldn’t imagine what kind of secret Will might have had, but it couldn’t be as bad as his own. He bet Will Herondale hadn’t murdered anyone.</p><p>“The difference between Will Herondale and me,” Matthew said bitterly, “is that Will Herondale is a good person, and I am not. You do not want to know my secrets, and I do not deserve a happy ending.”</p><p>“Hey.” Matthew looked up, surprised by Magnus’s sharp tone. “Do you think I would be helping you if I thought you were a bad person? Do you think your friends would love you as much as they do if they didn’t think you were a good person? You may have a lot of baggage, Matthew, but you have a good heart.” He touched his fingers to Matthew’s chest with a small smile. “And that’s what matters.”</p><p>“If you say so.” Magnus’s words made him feel a little bit better about himself, but Matthew wasn’t convinced. Magnus and his friends didn’t know about all his sins. If they knew what he had done… well, Matthew didn’t think they would be quite as understanding.</p><p>“Come on.” Magnus pulled Matthew to his feet and led him towards a huge window looking out over the city. The sun was rising, painting the sky with beautiful oranges and pinks. Matthew was no artist, but he could certainly appreciate the beauty of the sunrise.</p><p>“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Magnus said. “I never get tired of watching the sun rise. Even though the world may be cruel, moments like this remind me of how beautiful it can be. It gives me hope for the future. Every day is a new beginning, and we have the opportunity to become better people than we were yesterday.”</p><p>Matthew nodded, and something in his chest unknotted. As he looked out over the city, he let go of his burden for a moment and let a tiny spark of hope ignite in his heart.</p>
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